Do you know?

Does anyone really understand what is one’s feeling or thinking when they said they do? When someone admits they being a relationship phobic, what do they mean? Are they waiting for the right guy, perfect timing or for the simple fact that they don’t believe in the existence of relationship? I must confess that being 1 of those people doesn’t make me insecure of life or what, but looking at a ideal loving couple in front of me my whole life(my lovely parents) slowly planted inside of me the feeling of petrified involve in a failed relationship.

I was 5 when I thought Ayah (my dad) is the only guy deserved to be in my life; love him to death and I was 12 when I decided I don’t need a so called BF. Can anyone define that term for me? What is their role? Why are they so important if girls keep changing them like they change their clothes? I’m not being pessimistic but just throwing some thoughts coming from experiences from my teenage phase, still continue ok because the next phase is way too far.[living in denial] I was 17 when I know for a fact that marriage will not be 1 of my agenda in this life[somehow I used to or maybe still a big believer in an arranged marriage, blame in on Hindi movies], and I was about 20 when I finally realized that Shahrukh is not destined for me not in this lifetime at least. See, I can be an optimistic kind of person sometimes.

I was and am always be a planner, whether is about what I want to do, achieve or get before certain limit of time but I now believe that no matter how hard or smart you organize your life there always be different plans written by GOD for us and I would love to believe each and one of them are meant to teach us one or two lessons that might made us a better, wiser, stronger person. So, I guess there might be a slightest change of plan. Hope and pray God will be on my side this time like HE always does. Those who know me undoubtedly have the basic ideas of how my stand when it comes to private matters, I believe that there is no necessity for me in confirming or denying anything going on in my personal life. I have completely control over my faith and soul of how I want to live my life and with whom I want to share it, so I don’t feel the need in talking about something so close to my heart. Unless they deserved to share the happiness, so if they mind or affected with the action of me not screaming out loud from the roof top than they are not matter for me as those who matter won’t mind. Plus I kinda agree with the saying that a girl's diary before marriage shouldn't be that exciting, public or full as there will be not enough space for the after marriage's voyage which is where we got our due respect and dignity as a woman. It sounds serious but maybe there's hidden truth to it.

Maybe it’s about time to explore the other phase. Expectantly the phrase ‘there’s no harm in trying’ will apply in this situation. Every time I do something my parents will always be part of my mind and heart because without them I don’t think I be able to go through this beautiful journey and I always want to impress them in even small ways and at this stage I can’t afford to lose their trust so 1 wrong step might bring to just that. I was 16 when I consider 1 line in Jason Mraz’s song to be completely agreeable; ‘When I fall in love, I’ll take my time’ and that is what I think the right move. I was[can’t really remember when] always wanted someone like my dad, he has so much love for my mom that sometimes I envy her. Have To fight for his attention, haha. I proud of my father every time we girls like talking about our fathers and no one ever believe that mine was and still actually helping my mom with house chores, most of them I must say he does without even to be nagged. My friends always said that theirs are like other boys, won’t lift a finger to do any work around house. Not just because of that, I proud and love him for all reasons.

But then to find one who resembles him in so many ways is impossible and that’s why someone told me once that ‘it’s your life so create your own memories with loved ones, invent new recipes rather to depend on your mom’s and do everything you have passion in your own way’ and from now on that is what I will try to do because life is too short, as cliché as it may sounds but it is.

I’m not perfect and no one is so let’s create our own exciting and worth to be remembering memoirs and hope the journey have a long..long way to go.

me, turning 1 year older and wiser soon. Very soon :)

The L word!

Certain L word is ought to make our heart stopped beating, it ought in triggering the mini heart attack, or put the biggest-stupid smile ever on our face. But why the answer kind of stuck in our throat, because it's like loosing the most precious thing in our life when it's not. Its actually the most beautiful thing in this life. 1 of it I think. Why does it make us suddenly become the person we never were all of sudden we can't think or cant make any decision. As it is our first time we all want and pray it turn out perfectly, as it something to keep and remember for the rest of our life. Deep breathe just go for it. Just experince and hope its destined to be eternal.

We cant make someone to LOVE us, but we can be the person to be loved by someone. Its all depends to that someone to realize our worth.

me, still smiling :)

Kay Sera Sera...

When I was just a little girl(YOUNGER that is not SMALLER),

I ask my mother(NEVER) what would I be,
Will I be pretty (YES!) will I be rich ( YES!!),
And here what she said to me,
Kay Sera Sera,
Whatever will be will be,
The future not us to see,Kay Sera Sera.

p/s : Despite the horrible pitching and lyrics[sorry] I really adore this song during my growing up years. Why just in the past even now I can relate to this sweet and simple sort of lullaby.

Love it for the fact that its kinda asking ourselves of how sure are we about our future?Are we going to achieved what we have planned since we were like 12?Have we taken all the necessary steps in order to reach our ambitious wishes?Thousands of questions floating in our mind because we are actually damn scared of how our future will be shaped up. I am one of those millions of people who always wanted to turn back time so I could mend and repair some mistakes that I've done which I thought if I did it the other way around my life would be much more sweeter,happier and successful than now.

This song somehow popped and get me humming all day since I know that results are coming out. Its a normal thing for us [students] to get mini heart attack each time the little bird spread the news of that tomorrow is actually our exam's results coming out. Everyone kinda freaking out, gasping for air, and regret that we started study/revision pretty late last. But take my words,once we get our results and if once again GOD have some mercy on us this time we will sort of forget all this feeling and repeat the same old same habit for next semester. Because that's how we are! That's how a normal teenager[early adulthood I would say] and students would act. Not something that we can be proud of but it's how it meant to be.

Just pray and hope I will get THAT 1 sign shows me that it's high time for me to change for good. One thing that is consistently knocking our mind is what's in store for me after all this ended? Will I have job?Stability in financial? Will I eventually drive a Porsche Cayenne or a 7 series or even a super bike Hayabusa?[LOVE CARS & HUGE BIKES & SPEED]How about relationship,would there be my prince charming?Can I pay back all my parents' sacrifices? Its always successfully petrified me each and every single time. But what Imran told yesterday was such a treat, kinda calm me down a bit.

He asks us to believe him and in us that everything going to be OK! Whatever you are worrying about now, it's going to look silly in the future once you accomplished what you had plan. As long as we put all out possible efforts, put our everything and heart[literally] in the thing that we are working out on, its going to turn out just fine. All will be OK. We should have some resistant but just have faith in ourselves that it will be OK. Phewww, I want and am believing in his words. Jealous in others' success made me want to work harder, The Climb by Miley Cyrus does give me the inspiration of how I want my life to be.

Lee Strasberg Theatre and Film Institute is for sure 1 of my future plan, its in conjunction of my big fat dream of becoming a Film Director. So what if I'm not from the fraternity, I have so much passion and enthusiastic in reaching for my dream. Why cant I be the Lawyer cum Movie Director, I know I have what it takes even if I dont I will learn and get it right 1 day.Amin. All I need is love and prayers from all the people around me.

For now all my heart is pounding for is the 4th semester's results.

me,wishing all a MIRACLE for tomorrow :)

Sweetest smile hugest grin!

~Puzzles of 5 Damai 2005~

26th.May.09 : Kabhi kabhi,lalala(my sms tone that is) 1 new message just poured in my
inbox, "You are invited to join the craziness of reunion of 5Damai
2005 at Sunway Pyramid,6th June 09.Please be aware that we
are going to bowl until we drop."

Then and then in 1 breathe I named and listed all my 24 classmates[ex], 1 by 1 faces and antiques come flashing inside my tiny little head.Owh,we had so much fun back then.I always stand by my statement of how 2004 & 2005 made my life unexpectedly fun and miserable at the same time. Yet I love and cherish it forever. Those 2 years flew so fast that the impacts still have on me.

For the next 30 minutes : Same messages pouring in my inbox, basically we were forwarding the same content to all of us and kinda expressing our excitement in meeting each other after 4 years. Ok its the biggest lie ever!We do meet occasionally but for certain people I do havent saw their faces since the last day of our togetherness in 2005, at Gemy's BBQ to be precise after our exam was over. Yes, its after the ceremony where we burnt our add math books,hahaha.

For the whole week : One by one dropping their names and couldn't join the reunion. As it is a term break so its obvioulsy time for everyone to spend for a vacation or holiday or just sweet time for themselves only.We do deserved that dont we. We cant blame them.So I get the picture of the so called reunion and decided to rename it as a mini reunion.We can consider ourselves lucky even if 7 people turn up.I do have high hope for those 3 people who planned this gathering.

Last week when the guys a.k.a the reunion planner texted to inform about the form 5 reunion lots of feelings mixed and give me the attack of what to say-what to wear-how to act- syndrome. I know most them since the tender age because being a Shah Alamian my whole life[though were born in KL and spent early childhood there] we were practically living in a same neighborhood. But its not the same feeling if you'd grow up, older,much mature and wiser and all the old memories tend to come back and fill up every inch of space in your head. Believe me the bad ones always popped the earliest, literally you saw all the images of those time.Yikess! Some bad decisions had been taken, some worst words had been spoken, some wrong alliances had been built which clearly cannot be taken back.So it explains the butterflies inside my stomach. I'm desperately wants to feel good about myself [as I was this lack of confidence & self esteem girl when it comes to fashion or even being around fashion conscious people,always will be]

The B Day : Surprisingly[not so,just being a drama queen I always am] it turn up quite well.Great I must say. I have the best time ever, enjoyed cracking jokes and craps with my partner in crap(cva,my best buddy who sat beside me during schooling days) laughing with the guys over small things or the stupidity/clumsiness of us looking for a parking place as well as our car after it ends.Duhhh!Almost 2 bloody-sweaty hour we spend at the basement.Hahahaha.Its tiring but somehow this is 1 of the day that wont get vanished in my memory and get the special place inside my heart. We bowled and try our hands on archery(love new adventure,it does hurt though T_T), but must admit that if all 24 of us can make it it will be more sweeter and havoc!Although I doubt the havoc part as its only takes 2 Cs to do the job who is Cheda+Cva = CUN + CRAZY :P

Well, people who can put the biggest,sweetest,widest smile on my face do placed somewhere in my heart and that is what 5 Damaians mean to me. I wish and pray all of us a brighter future and successful life waiting ahead of us.Amin.

me,LOVE 5Damai always :)

Ka-ching! $$$$$$

OK,that supposed to turn out or to at least give the rough idea of me wanting+seeking(desperately!)more money to cover all my expenses; that is not splurging into more and more shopping need to be highlighted here!But more for me exploring the adventure side of me. Without cold hard cash(sufficiently enough!) I would never get my hands on those dirty&challenging activities(not as dirty as what you are thinking!); wall climbing at extreme park,paintball,archery and go-kart at Sunway are literally screaming my name since 2-3 years ago, trying new recipes for me to excelled my baking skills, getting my collectible items,etc. Get the idea? What I'm trying to indicates here is that I cant think any of what I love to do without involving money! Not single one. All of them needs money to back them up.

I feel stuck, seems like obstacles coming between me and my wishes although the distance was like between a step of a tiny little drain. Recession sucks big time man! I'm on the verge of accepting whatever coming my way, even if the kindergarten near my house wants to hired a babysitter for these 2 weeks but like the people around me says "You're crazy for thinking there is actually anyone wanted a part time worker for just about 2 weeks". While I'm stranded here broke(literally) I've been thinking the kind of part time job that listed in my wish-list[that's totally a different story all together though] T_T

This holiday is a meaningless one because every time I went out all I can do is stare but not touch. Its all in my mind.

With a lot of things happening at 1 breathe now days I cant afford to ask from Ayah every single time so when Pza planted the idea of job-hunting for next sem part time job Im so in it dude!Thinking of being an ice-cream girl at that shop in Melaka Mall, rm5 for an hour quite Although the first reaction from the parents would certainly be a 'NO' but I need to balance everything up and find the way to a more independence life towards the 21st year old life*hint*. I've already signed Ayah as my financial supporter for MU's game as well for the 'Merchant of Bollywood' at Istana Budaya on July so I'll live him alone for the moment..hehe*evil laugh*

Plus there is no big contest going on that offerring cash that I can join so 1 close door there but fingers are crossed hoping another will be open soon. So until next time, with or without money I will keep writing.

me, waiting for Genie to granted my wishes :)

Dust,dirt,death of the past!

It felt like in a blink of an eye that 5 years had gone,5 years had flew away,5 years of my life have been erased without I even realized it. The images I captured along the way still stored clearly in my head as it felt like it was few minutes ago I was 16. This came as a slap on my face after now officially Along have finished her miserable-yet will be-missed student life in University. When she moved to become an unofficial resident of Malacca I was 16 and yesterday when I literally crawling up to her 5th floor house while gasping for air to get all her 5 years' bits and pieces(most of them are junks!) the past seems to flashing slowly inside my head. Some are nice and some of them are not so pleasant memories. It appears all the monologues are still part of my script today...

"I would never enter a private University like Along, when she has the chance to enroll in IPTA then why the hell we should pay more to study?", thats what I said to Mama but it turns out wrong and yet they still love me.

"I'll try to control my short-temperness because never meant to hurt the people around me", I thought it was an east job but I was wrong as usual and still fighting this malady.Im sorry is all I can say,deep inside my heart.And yet they still tolerate and love me.

"I will get straight A's in my SPM like I did for UPSR & PMR, so that I can further my study in Law at a very well known IPTA or University abroad", confidently that's what I told Ayah when he was against the idea of flying overseas but it turns out wrong because I didnt work hard enough to earn the bright future and yet they still love me.

"I will never fall in love or commit to a relationship", that's what my heart screamed since I always think Im the biggest relationship phobic ever but still it turns out wrong because you cant control your heart to have a soft spot for the people who doesnt even know your existence and yet you still love them.

"I will never speak to her again,never ever will I forgive her", thats what I wrote in my diary when I was 17 but it turns out wrong because I grow older and maturer so I forgive and accept people the way they accept me and the love continues.

"I hate him,feel like killing him",been yearning the same thing since I was 7 but still I love my only annoyying brother.

I could go on and on about all the regrets buried inside myself but I would like to believe each and every wrong we did in the past turn out to be the biggest teacher or lesson for us in the present or future.

16.That is my favourite age in my life.It sounds stupid but I always wish/pray that God can take anything from me if HE could rewind back time and make me go through my life all over again starting 1st January 2004; the day I started my life as sweet 16[bittersweet is a better choice actually].Its a little bit of selfish I know but its time for me to be 1 after all this while. All those photo albums I go through last night reminds me to the awesome-rocking-mind blowing-bestest years of my life which is 2004-2005.Maybe the reunion bug bit me again,so till next time it bits me I 'll come up with the not so sweet life of the Ex-science streame's student who happened to be the head girl, its a unreveal miracle for those who knows me!SERIOUSLY!

me,getting older..who doesnt?:)

Gifts from heart

People say that it doesn't matter what you give to someone for their special day because the thought that counts!Do they really meant it when they said it?Let me tell you something,its totally bu%lsh#t! So what if I think like that,sue me if you want but don't be a hypocrite by saying that you actually stand strong by that statement!*booooo* 1 thing don't get me wrong,its not all that grand, luxury stuff(but if people are kind enough,I cant say no kan?haha) that Im talking about but simple wishes or cake will do.It could put a wide big smile on my face.

I believe that all of us has expectation from the loved ones around us,right?When I was a lot more younger, finding presents for my parents,siblings and friends are not as tough as now because believe me its pretty hard nowdays since there are millions of choices compared to last time! Buying presents never been my niche nor it will be but when we already have this concrete ideas and images in our mind which suit perfectly with the personality or passion the person who we wanted to buy the present but could'nt find the thing till the 11th hour its kinda frustrated, not just time wasted but also as we emotionally involved with the person we care and it does matter to me,personally.I always get this panick attack everytime those kind of situation occured; whether the person will think that I forgot,or on purpose,or that I dont care about them anymore.This month is a month where my calendar almost full with reminders for each day about birthdays,anniversaries,etc.

This frustration actually been expressed due to my mission finding 3 stuff that I've been planning since early this year(yeah,thats how sure I was till...)but just cant found it yet!Maybe I have to jump to my next plan(which I dont have & yet to be discover!).

Whatever it is I want all the people to know that they play an important role in my life and thats why I want everything to be 'perfect' in this field atleast and give them a great day to be remembered and it was the least I can do as a friend.

me,wishing Happy Birthday to all my friends especially those who had/will celebrate our 21st :)

Its just a flirt *wink*

I don't have a look to kill for nor do I deserve the title drop dead gorgeous but I assure that you don't have to fit those criteria for people to fall head over heels over you.Sometime I did suffer from inferior complexity, thanks to those beautiful people around me whether its my sister or friends(they are great people btw) but couple of times did friends remind me to the nicest part of me is he&she said that "being beautiful without you even realised it put you in a different above league than the others ".THANK YOU,I LOVE YOU GUYS!Im totally flatterd but I seriously need to learn how to received compliments as Im suck at it.*wink*

Just be yourself, carry yourselves charmingly and don't be fake for whatever reason as it clearly portray that people only will look at you if you become someone else; which is bad .You dont have entire life to living a life that wasnt yours so today,after numbers of observations( occurred in my daily life)here what I came out about the flirt issue :


Situation 1 : A sheepish smile by the young lad who takes my order every time I stopped by at the Delifrance, he said so much by saying nothing.He speaks trough his eyes or always used his ladies co-workers to get information or send his regards to me.It is a flirt right?

Situation 2 : The time when you walk by yourself to anywhere and some young guys will start those 'phewitt' or sweet talk with just to get your attention.Its kind a rude from where I'm looking at it but don't lie by denying that you somehow enjoy and like it.It is a flirt right?

Situation 3 : When a friend who is a boy/man give hints that he's waiting or only have his eyes/heart for you.When words like 'I'll do anything for you' easily slipped from his mouth just like that did he/them meant it for the purpose of flirting with us?It is a flirt right?

What's the differences between a crush and a flirt?

Well, I wouldn't know because most of the people flirting (if that what they were doing!) with me(I LOVE to believe that!) are among the people who have high possibility for me to have crush on them*wink*<---- you will get a lot of winking today!But 1 thing for sure flirting is such a harmless activities, no emotion involved nor do we know that person(most of the time!)because based on experience only complete strangers or very close person to us that would flirt with us.

Need to remind that a girl's heart is fragile like a thin surface of ice waiting to be broke anytime if you skate onto it. Give the right signs if only you mean it.

me,a serial flirter :)

Talentime

Date : 3^rd April 2009

Cinema : MBO,Malacca

Movie : Talentime

Director : Yasmin Ahmad

I wanted to do the review for quite sometimes now, but there are too many things going on since that canceled supposed to be 1^st date but it’s ok now that I remember I want to give all the applauses to the film and all the crews as they deserved it. Totally! But because of the invitation 2 days back to come to FINAS for the public screening (FREE) reminds me to how much I adore this film. As well as for certain Mahesh Jugal Kishore.hahaha:p

Ok, actually there are a pinch of irritated feeling blooming inside of me as this film doesn’t get its due financial wise! Compare to all those rubbish(Selamat Pagi Cinta, I’m not single,to name a few) who get box office title or at least get back the net revenue, its kind a pissed me off that Malaysian seems do not appreciate great Malaysian movie made by true Malaysian at heart. But putting that aside, it did received recognitions from international film festival and although some people say awards doesn’t make a difference (those are people who never get an award, that’s why!) but it does for me and I feel happy for them. Congrats.

It does fit my list of a perfect movie with its spontaneous element, the laid back sense of humor (SO MALAYSIAN!), the awesome line of actors, and mind blowing OST tracks. From 1 track to the other its growing slowly inside you.

O re piya has been 1 of my favourite track lately. Listening to it each time reminds me to the superb art by Yasmin Ahmad which is one of my all time top choice; Talentime. The great lyrics by Rahat Fateh Ali Khan (a well known Sufi singer as well as a poet) strike a chord to a lot of things actually be it about love, multi-cultural life, sacrifices we made in this life and boundaries we overcome as a human. It’s all been wrapped up beautifully in 1 hour and some minutes. And that summed up why I love this director. The thing I love about her works is that by doing so little she did so much actually!

So, I hope you will buy the DVD and watch it. Try to watch all of Yasmin’s works and you will understand why I think she is the most Malaysian director we have.

me,smitten by Mahesh :)

Skeleton coming out from the closet--->TOMOK

Yes, its about time I guess.

Yes, Im (we) are smitten by 1 of the contestant who were in OIAM.

Yes, I (we) now wear & somehow love yellow.

This are some excerpts of mine during the 10 weeks journey :

Kaisya & Sarah's dialogue during Top 40 going to Top 12 : Cheda, Abg New Boys kau yang jiwang meleleh tu masuk Top 12 lah.Muahahaha(their evil laughing are now haunting them as they are 1 of the Moks!)

Week 1: What,budak suara sengau tu masuk top 12?Biar betul!
Week 2 : Syafinaz & Paul must have gone crazy by choosing him man!
Week 3 : Hmm,dapat imuniti mamat lentok ni!Bagus ke?Crazy in love bkn byk nyanyi pon,oklh!
Week 4 : Ya ALLAH,I love his version of 'Ingin Bersamamu'.Syafinaz's was boring!
Week 5 : Best gile lagu 'Umbrella' dia nyanyi!Ella..eh2..ella.
Week 6 : Went late to class to watch his re-run of OIAM.
Week 7 : Abggggg Tomok!!!!!
Week 8 : OMG,Amylea is out!Next is Aweera,if Tomok Im going to @#$@@$!
Week 9 : Yeahhh,he deserved to be in final!ALL THE BEST MY TOMOK!
WEeek 10 : Dupp..dapp..dupp..dapp..The winner of the Hottest season yet of OIAM is TOMOK!!!Yeayyy!


Yes, we the Moks are TOMOK MANIA! So,the moral behind this story is dont ever judge TOMOK without watching him performing nowdays!hehehe..

And know what, I have a video which was aired nationally to proved just that.

Day & time : Monday, 4th May 2008.
Channel : 8TV,Media Prima.

Yes,the screaming voices were mine(ours!).Yes, the maniac were us. Believe me we never went gaga over Malaysian artiste/star/celeb like this except :-

Me : Datuk Shah Rukh Khan ( he is half Malaysian way before that datukship!I rest my case:p)
Sarah : Siti Nurhaliza
Pza : Ashraf Muslim
Kaisya : Ally Iskandar(numbes of choices,Im not sure)

me,LOVE Adam Lambert & Danny Gokey :)

Living in denial!

So, I went off quite happily and confidently [that I'm actually going to do my 'revision' for final at home] back to home sweet home,Shah Alam. Like a bird flying back to its nest.Like a baby crawling back to his mama. I thought like always this time I will do the same. Nothing can make me doubt my decision of spending this so called study week at home but I was wrong. Where should I even start it...the moment I realized my foolishness is when...

On the bus,that very damn hot evening the air conditioner chose not to work. So there I was sweating, trying to get some sleep or pretend to as I don't like looking outside the window just because someone is sitting beside me[read : stranger!no luck = no single seat] I decided to continue reading Daisy's back in town by Rachel Gibson before somehow something struck my mind reminding to the distractions I will faced this 1 week 'holiday'. Maybe because the faces of friends who said the other night that 'I cant study at home, don't know how you pull it through' come flashes couple of time at the back of my mind.

At that point of time I'm sweating even more and my heart beats 7 times faster! What was I thinking, am I living in denial! Sure I agree with them, because I don't think I will lift a finger on my books or notes! When I didn't do that at my place in Mallacca[boring x 3] what made me think I will at my mini heaven[home!]

During my nerve shock period I didnt realised its home already.


First place I went[after salaming & hugs+kisses ayah&mama ofcourse] was the kitchen, just to see whether I'm right again!Yes,Mama cooked my favourite chicken dishes again.Not a single time did she forget to do that since I moved and have my weekends at home.Thanks Mama!:) Mama ajaking me for wedding this weekend,according to her this girl[our neighbour] is my friend and she is getting marry.If you say; saying hi and bye only once in your life to a person considered as a friend than let it be. Then Mama ask this and that, telling me this and that and after 4 weeks without them make me kind a laid back and listen and only listen.With this love I think I can start study anytime soon.We'll see.

Then, went straight to room where I know someone was there because looked like it've been cleaned up since the last time I was there.The floor looks shining, the AC's air more fresher, and the room smells great[not because I'm a messy girl but because the room besides mine have been sanitized as well!] I dont prefer other people do the cleaning workfor me, not for my room atleast but as that boy damn lazy than what to do. But at least yeay!I wont be smelling the 'kandang kambing' smell for quite sometime. A great start I must say, me and Boboy havent start fighting,YET! Perfect surrounding for me study mode.We'll see.


Freshing up myself .Unpacking my huge almost torn apart luggage.Try to remember something really important but couldnt to.The thinking process took a long time.After sets of pause and play..suddennly,PAPP[sound of me slapping my head]...




I left my Dell's wire at EP.This must be sign from GOD isnt it?That what most of normal -people who having final exam in 2 weeks would think- but not me! Thank GOD I have my ACER at home.Then I put back a big smile on my face.Lucky me.We'll see how lucky I'll be.



That night I should have started study, instead I watched delay game of Chelsea v.Barcelona with Ayah.What a stupid refree we had for a such important game.Too many fauls, so many hand balls, and there should have been numbers of penalty kick awarded to the Blues[Im not their supporter but just telling right things that should have done] .For me UEFA is like a mini World Cup in the world of football so when you lose such integrity there is no more fun watching it. Barca should have not win it and step to the final leg.I lose my chance of watching Terry slipped again in the final!hahahaha..Jokes apart Hiddink's boys deserved the spot better.I will start study tomorrow morning.We'll see.





10 am.The plan was 8am.Better late than never.Working day so empty house all belong to me, alone.The temptation of the remote,TV,the comfort of the sofa,etc all belong to me.How can I start study?I always wrong about myself being determined when it comes to study.For a change I thought this time will be different, Im wrong AGAIN!The car key is back in my hand.So after lunch vroomm I went looking for Mother's Day's presents.This year I have a clear vision of what I want to do and buy.Somehow because the 21 factor I have solid plan as well as solid financial support this time around.Back at late evening.I'll start at night then.We'll see.



Open my black diary,listing down stuff I want to settle in this 1 week.Ironically STUDY listed on top of my to-do list.Funnily, the process didnt even start YET!


Its 9pm,tired of doing nothing went down take my dinner and watch 'Princess Diaries 2 : Royal Engagement'[love Anne Hathaway!].Then Adam Lambert showed up on Idol show,who can say no to him!Yes!he's in top 3!Later that night when Im about to print the rest of Comp Law I notes Shahrukh shows up in Koffee with Karan at Star World.Tell me if I ever say NO to his charming+cute dimples!I'll go up and finished my printing,works and will start study later.We'll see.



Its 2am.








Black ink ran out of tank.









Yet another excuse.







And here Im sitting and blogging!Writing my next entry.The 1 million question is....




When will I start study?We'll see.




You unthankful girl, for all this time God and your lovely parents have given you so much and this is what you gave in return?LAZINESS!!!

me,will choose the right path.Soon!:)

For now.....NO!

That is the perfect choice of word for now,NO!

It wont be long I promised you,but I don't know why I doubt my own words.For now.

I think..I guess..I do believe all of this meant for the best for us.For now.

I don't want to say YES just because people want me to say so.When the right time comes I will say YES,because I want to.Because I ready to.Because I believe I should say so.Because my heart give the signs to do so.But its a NO,for now.

Its never about you,seriously![meredith's impression!] its always about me and my unready & unprepared self![this time I wont blame on my relationship phobic's nerve]

Now you may think your heart being crashed into pieces, your dreams been denied, and your right been rejected but believe me it all for your own good. If not for us.For now though.

There's always silver lining behind dark cloud remember?So,let us keep it that way. Let us find and search for our silver or even a gold lining then.

See you when I see you.

For now,have a great life ahead.






P/S: Waiting impatiently for the great game of the year between Manchester United vs. Barcelona.Congrats for both team,may the best team wins(read:MU!)

me,the undecisive girl :)

Just SAY if you MEAN it!

From 1 hot news to the other,

1 sizzling gossip to the other,

1 bad day to the other,

1 avoidable argument to the other,

and the list just wont stop there, no signs of slowing down as obviously we can never expect what is going to happen in our life as we are talking.[or blogging] Wish I have the power to see the future, at least my future so that I can stop doing whatever it takes in order to avoid bad tudung days,moody peoples, or worst case scenario when is the time I will broke big time due to our shophaholicness! [Raven from Disney is my favourite when it comes to future prediction]


3 weeks without LOVE from home I guess have made me down a bit, we may look happy on the outside but who knows what is going on inside if not us ourselves.... T_T It comes with the territory I guess, its your wish to study away from home so just take and learn how to live with it!Face the world and dont weep like a baby!


I may not like 1 of those people who can just snap and throw tantrums to whoever they wants and the next second you know they are cracking some jokes with you but I do have the intentions of doing that everytime people showing some attitude problems. I try not to treat people with disrespect(throwing nasty attitude simply because you think you are right even the whole world know its WRONG). [its not stand for your right,its STUPID indeed!] Because I know I hate people who does so to me! I can but I just wont do that because my parents taught me way better than that.Most of the times when we are in the bad mood we tend to say not so good things or act in bad ways which we MAY regret later but I believe no one would say anything that we didn't meant to say!



And its absolutely true about 'respect & treat people like how you want them to respect you".



Once,1 of my bestfriend who is totally opposite from myself in the sense of short temperness had told me that as long as you can keep the monster inside you,keep it grounded there! It's really important to take care of the feelings people around you although sometimes you may suffer but atleast it can help you improve the level of patienceness. And somehow it shows how well you carry youself. I dont listen simply because she's telling me,I listen and try to follow slowly because I do really respect her.Most of the time I may take her for granted but deep down inside she is 1 the nicest human being I ever come across in my entire life so far.


She calmed me at times when I about to lose my temper. She guide me when Im about to go down the wrong path. She is the 2nd sister I never had. She somehow made me appreciate whatever I have in life more than ever. She's the angle side of me(if i ever had!) because we are completely different but we clicked right away since the 1st day.She is Siti Sarah Julgafli,or now better known as Sarah Joel. I never tell her this,but I know that she knew I LOVE her!


So,when you feel that you cannot take it anymore just think about great things in life that you have accomplished and more good things coming your way if you channel your energy and positive attitude towards them. Beacuse you are worth more than these stupid-wasting time-and happiness thingy-!

P/S : Thanks alot boys for having me during the MU match,really appreciate it to be the only rose among the torns!hahaha(",)

me,the dreamer who have forseen MU will win the game this morning!:)

ALERT : Confession Mode

Breathe in and out!I have foreseen this would happened!(Saiful's words!hehe)

I knew I would delay this confession as long as possible,the excuses: no right time,I was trying to tell you but you were too busy,no mood,etc. Who knows me better than me myself. But back to the reality world I have to settle this thing as soon as possible.You can stopped people from talking but can you make your head silence from asking loads of question.Reasonable ones I must say.

Listen!I want to tell you something,it may not worth a million dollars kind of secret but because you are among the important & beautiful pieces of puzzle in my life so you do matter for me :) If this going to be 1 of many sweetest memories in my life,I seriously want you to be part of it simply because you does matter in my life and those who mind about this thing doesn't matter.

I think I have developed a bit of nonjudgmental attitude each day started this year so I really hope you wont judge me like others are doing!

P.S : Dying to know the result of Chelsea v. Barcelona. Purposely didn't go to watch the game,waiting anxiously for sleepless night tomorrow as Manchester United is playing tomorrow against Arsenal. May the best teams win and give us a great game for final!GLORY..GLORY UNITED!

me,addicted to paper planes.M.I.A rocks! :)

How to start?

Its been almost 2 weeks I have this thing going round my head and heart. I wish I could just let it go.But its too burdening and I have no plan whatsoever or appropriate lines on how to kick start my 'confession'. Its not something wrong or illegal like murder or complicated like love thingy but still it takes my focus+energy+the cHedaness for quite some times now.


InsyaALLAH tonight everything will be settled. All the love gurus be prepared. You have no idea what is coming your way.


I miss my freelance adviser cum love guru in Poland & Sabah, cant wait for July to come :)



p/s : I really hope to know the readers from Italy,Germany and Arab Saudi who always drop by here.Just want to say hye & thanks for reading:)

me, who have broke some hearts :)

G.L.O.R.Y.

Last night/early morning my phone keeps beeping(my ring tone wasn't the normal beep..beep but just want to give you the picture) but i didn't even bother to open and read the messages coming in as was damn sleepy after a long-tiring-shop till you drop day. Yesterday was our historical day in Malacca so no classes and chill out all the way BUT only after we have discussed and divided our works for the assignments and presentation OK!Just to sound a bit responsibility kind a student. The bad part was that I haven't start searching for any materials yet!


Well the title of this entry got to do with the Manchester United's victory today!They qualified (as usual!) to the next round of UEFA and will be meeting Arsenal while for Chelsea; they will go against Barcelona. The messages from Afif,Kamil,Ady,and some other friends are enough to make me smiling all day long. They are my MU buddies, and once a MU's supporter we will always be one. Take my words!OTW to class, inside the lift Andy excitedly told me again about the news that I'm willing to hear again and again; Ronaldo scored the winning goal.As soon as I landed on the chair in the Criminal Law I class me and Saiful giving each other look /signs that we indeed proud we'r moving to next round.


Its my 10th year being a fan, and everytime I watch their game I will always remember among my early experience watching the Red Devils's legendary player (my favourite!) Ole Gunner Solskjaer a.k.a The babyface assasin. Seriously who can ever forget the magic moment when he scored the winning goals at the final game of UEFA 1998-1999 ,and they were against Bayern Munich if I'm not mistaken. My dad who is my football gang have been a great supporter when it comes to watching weekly games or go to stadium to watch games as well ( the 1st game I literally watch was when I was still inside my mother's tomb as my father is a footballer since old days)getting me MU's stuffs when he himself not a MU fan.


The phenomena I hate these days is that people tends to hate Manchester United for the reasons that of their greatness and capability of sweeping off away all the trophies that up for grab each season!Stop doing that because its obviously not done in sport spirit. Its more towards jealousness and for the sake of following the team that their bf/click/partner is supporting.Watch the games first girls that speak your mind!


With new talented+young faces coming out I really hope my team will stay GLORIOUS along the road and I wish more and more victory for us in the future and Old Trafford wait for me, I will for sure be there 1 day!

me,+ love my namesake 'MACHEDA' & will stick with MU forever :)

Cut it short

Yaikss!It takes me 59 entries to at last realized that I'm not just talk too much but write as many as if not much than what I've said in real life. Somehow it shows how slow things progressing lately, its not the age factor people!It's kinda bother me to read long entries as if I'm writing the whole screenplay of a movie.

I've planned to start to trimmed a bit all my words for each entries because the purpose is to write like what I used to do in my diary, which is absolutely not a novel or short stories!Well, we see how it goes as I cant promise when it come to stuff like this, I'm not an expert in shutting my mouth up so what makes I think I can possibly do this. I don't know how it goes with my writing after this.We'll see.

It's not a bad thing though for me.Either talk too much or write too many things. As they say there will never be too much in this world. One is too much but thousands will never enough.

Time to go, time for me to write as many words as I can before 5 pm tomorrow for the Torts assignment or else I'll be dead(Selen's words)

me,the girl with many things to talk about :)

I hate my-not-so-pretty-self!

When there are loads and tons of works need to be done that is when my laziness strike hard! It’s not an old habit as my middle name should be lazy after crazy after shopaholic, seriously. It just won’t go away and leave me alone. Sometimes I’m wonder where the hell I get this trait because it certainly did not runs in the family except for certain son in the family!*evil me-mocking-the not so little brother- of mine*

* Instead of looking for and finish the stuff I need to pass up next week & the weeks after (4 tough assignments lining up!) I busy filling my time listing up stuffs I want to buy/get/won before I turn 21 in couple of months (",)

* Instead of completing the Publicity & Public Relations letters, works as well as the sponsorship thingy I went out and explore my city (Shah Alam) as if I’ve been away for years. The places of RRCM(Ronda-ronda cari makan) today were SACC Mall, Plaza Alam Sentral, Plaza Masalam, Ole-ole, Kompleks PKNS, and last but not least my favourite kedai mamak(which means more and more calories stuffed inside my stomach and every inch of my body!) The thing is that I missed driving so much that it’s like mandatory for me to drain the car tank before I left for Malacca. :p

*Instead of saving cash for our BIG VACATION early plan early next year, I’ve spent most of my money on DVDs/CDs(Hindi movies + Korean box set, books (non-academic), MU collector stuff, new casing for my 5300, accessories replacing the old ones, foods and more foods plus the stupid-money wasting-stuffs like the Princess bag! Why owh why! T_T

*Instead of preparing for the final exam of this semester which around the corner says our tu-to lecturer (her around the corner means 3000km for us! hehehe) I’ve spend quite a quality time sketching/drafting my 1^st movie. Nothing has been finalized just yet as it too early and too many uncertainties need to be clear. And because of that I need to watch more movies, I love it! Watching movies made me content, but will turned sad the day after when I know I’m going to die (like Selen’s always said!) with the untouched works!

* Instead of not thinking of someone I keep thinking of that person and the question, and the offer and the possibilities and the outcomes and the future! Because I chose to.

me, the never so pretty girl :)

Keep humming...

This entry basically dedicated to my passion towards music, I love music so much that I seriously think what's life without TASHAN...hahaha, Joke…joke...Can’t help it! What I meant was what’s life without music. It will be damn boring and dull.

P/S : TASHAN means STYLE in Hindi, so I don’t expect everyone gets my joke but I know my girls will because it came about from a movie we watched together which we thought it was the worst movie ever made in history, but saved by SELAMAT PAGI CINTA which we seriously think deserved the award better! :p

Name it,BM, BI, oldies, hindi, etc. All kind of songs have been dedicated to me and I loved as well as appreciated it so much for at least they were thinking of me when listening to the songs. But I never really get to know the story behind each dedication, I mean what exactly the 'real' explanation behind them. I wish I knew because it well bring lots of different meaning/reactions as well as my journey in this life would/could be really different from what I had and what will I go through. They were dedicated by friends/buddy/acquaintances/or just by someone that I know during my voyage in this world so far. Somehow each of the songs remains special in my heart and will be continuing humming by my not-one in a million- voice for a very long time. So, thank you so much for all of them. Here the list so far :-

1) She will be loved by Maroon 5 : It was a huge hit and hot during my schooling days, when I was 17 to be precise and someone asked the DJ to play it for me with a short & sweet wishes. We girls really went gaga over it and keep talking about it till now. Kind of hate it, because we need to move on. There will be hundreds of songs waiting for us. xp

2) Aao na from Kyun?Ho Gaya Na : Yes, it is a Hindi song from a movie by Vivek Oberoi and Aishwarya Rai. Extremely sweet slow number, a ballade that makes you smile for the entire song. I don’t even think that the person dedicated this song to me ever listen or watch Hindi movies but he is sweet/kind enough to say I look like the heroine. T_T I know everyone will raise their hands for not agreeing with this, who cares! hahaha..Frankly speaking even I don’t like the actress.

3) Superhuman by Chris Brown feat Keri Hilson : I personally love this song, so when it came out and during the so called new-song-period someone said ; I dedicate this song to you because that’s how I feel about you. I don’t know whether to agree or not, but I do accept it because it is a very pleasant song to hear to. I never ask why though. My mistake I guess.

4) Akan tiba by Alif OIAM : At first as I don’t watch the drama(this song is the title song for ‘Rona Roni Makaroni’, a Malay drama at Astro) I don’t know the song when it was at its hype stage but my sister downloaded for me into my laptop. At first go I’d already fall in love with the song as it has this jazz/blues touch which is apparently my favourite. And when someone who also love the song dedicated to me I simply can’t refuse it can I?hehe...

5) Loving you by Minnie Riperton : Dedicated by a very good friend. Never knew about this song, I seriously thought it’s the latest song playing in the radio when being asked but get to know it’s from the year of 1975. Being a music lover makes me irritated sometimes when I have no clue which songs are they chattering about moreover when it was dedicated to me, because I always thought (POYO!) I should at least know about it. But now at least I can say that I’m ‘up-to-date’ in my time as that was way back before I was even born. The music is slow yet nice to listen to, and it has a new version remixed by Akon. Still prefer the old one though.

Whatever it is I'm happy that each song keeps a story that makes me happy with my life.

me, the sentimental lady:)

I am expecting a BABY sister :(

I always knew this will happen 1 day, if not now it will 1 day.

When you have a mother who have been in a career where compassion play an important role which is a nurse for 30 years and still counting and come about to be one that specialist in the field of pediatric, the love she have for kids are unimaginable. Furthermore when it comes to the not so lucky children in the sense of they don’t have any guardians or the one that are physical/mentally challenges kids.


So, last night when I got to know about having another little sister in my life, my heart completely shattered (drama queen! I know) but that’s how I felt, the feeling of you losing the balance of half space of peace and happiness in your life after the other half been destroyed the moment I had my brother 14 years ago. When my parents revealed to me that they are expecting another child, I was like… WHAT!!! It’s totally a jaw dropping moment!


Silence filling every inch of the room. No movement, no words exchange, I’m basically screaming from inside as my voice stuck at my throat.


Don’t get me wrong but at this age, a baby sister? Well, I am not that old ok! But, SERIOUSLY. Rather then thinking about my age, they should think about their age, is this the perfect stage of life to have another child? The answer is obviously NO!

While I’m basically gasping for air in order to set my mind on the right track back (after entirely losing it the moment the news delivered!) and give them a piece of my mind in a very mannerly way, I heard this very familiar song playing in the background…sounds like alarm from my phones then..


‘Adik,adik..bangun. Sembahyang subuh,” said Ayah who as usual waking me up in the morning. I just sat there for couple of minutes and finally breathe out a sigh of relief Owh,GOD! Lucky that was a dream, a nightmare I must say. The worst so far after the engagement ceremony I ‘WENT THROUGH’ last week!Hahahaha:p


P/S: I do love kids (just make sure they aren’t my little sisters) but somehow it’s always not vice versa, the same case when it comes to cats (that's why I'm scared of them!)

me, the dreamer :)