Stop to care.

5 moons. I must stop having this feeling of obligation to care now. Stop to care for others, when they are obviously doesn't have the mutual feeling why should I bother. But that's the problem. I care too much. I care even when I shouldn't. I care when I know it hurts. I care even more when I'm attached to someone. I care about someone who has entered my life although after they left. I still care to care. I don't know if its a good thing but till the end I don't think I will ever stop to care. Who cares if that someone doesn't care anymore because its totally my choice to care and continue doing so. I feel good when I care, once I don't means I've moved on and that is something I not quite want to do just yet.

The fact is that we are afraid to care too much, for fear that the other person does not care at all.

Care too much is not good for your heart.

25th January

They say I'm good with numbers and dates. Indeed I am.I guess.

3 years ago on this date I took my first step in Bachelor of Law (Hons), with 3 other friends for life I entered this course with such unstoppable eagerness and maximum curiosity, since then; events, new friends, high profile dramas made my life here more colourful than its already is. Looking back our early days in this 'challenging' University called MMU I feel proud and grateful that I've survived (so far!) in this mean...mean world!

Now, 7 kgs lighter and much more wiser(I like to believe) I hope to continue walking forward regardless how many obstacles coming our way.

Someday many years from now, We'll sit beside the candles glow. Exchanging tales about our past. And laughing as the memories flow. And when that distant day arrives. I know it will be understood. That friendship is the key to live. And we were friends and it was good. - Eileen Hehl

My friends for life are my family ♥

5 stages of grief.

When people gone, leave or walk away from our life,
We go through five distinct stages of grief,
First, we going to deny it because the lost is so unthinkable that we can't imagine that it's true,
We become angry with everyone, angry with survivors, angry with ourselves,
Then we bargain, we beg, we plead, we offer everything that we have,
We even offered off our soul for exchange for just one more day,
When the bargaining has failed and the anger is too hard to be maintained,
We falling into depression, despair until finally we have to accept that we have done everything that we can.

We let go. We let go and moved into acceptance.



Grief maybe a thing we all have in common,
But it looks different on everyone,
It isn't just death we have to grief, its life, it's lost, its change,
And when we wonder why it has to suck so much sometimes, it has to hurt so bad,
The thing we got to try to remember is that they bring new hopes,
That's how you stay alive, when it hurts so much you can't breathe,
That's how you survived,
But remember that one day, somehow impossibly you won't feel this way,
It won't hurt this much.




Grief comes in its own time for everyone,
And on its own way, so the best that we can do,
The best that everyone can do is to strive honesty,
The really crappy thing, the worst part about grief is that you can't control it,
The best we can do is try to let ourselves feel it when it comes,
And let it go when we can,
The most terrible part is when the minute you think you passed it,
It starts all over again and always, everytime it takes your breathe away.



There are five stages of grief; they looked differently on all of us,
But they are always five,
Denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance.


I'm still stuck in the first stage, to let go is beyond my control.





YOU?

RED

Sweet Bunch ♥

With people from legal field ♥

My Jan intake 2008 (some of them are missing) ♥

Shrekkers ♥

Going to buy more sarees ♥

Its the end of my 4 wonderful years in this exciting(can't think of any better word) LAW School, just realised I wore red for all my law nights unintentionally planned ; Granc Gala as freshie, Le Banquet as committee, Le Prestige as an audience and lastly Grand Royale as final year student who danced and sang(disastrous,on my part!). Each and every law night has their own of great stories to be told and remembered, and for this year I'm so happy to finally live up my Bollywood dream of wearing saree, contrary to popular belief its actually very comfortable. Thanks a lot to those who helped patiently behind the scene with the red gorgeous saree, thanks ♥. Its been a rollercoaster journey both mentally and emotionally since last year's law night till the recent one, untold griefs and happiness bundle up all in 1 night make it more special for me especially when at the end of the day I survived and viable to my very best. These past few weeks really tested our patient in dealing with.....people basically but the appreciations, smiles, compliments, etc that we received that night wash off all the pain, scars and sadness.



I started this journey with the girls and I'm grateful to end this route with them as well, along side many other good friends who I love, respect and will forever cherish to have their friendship. Why am I talking as if we already finished our study when we still have 9 months to go until we officially a law graduated, 3 months of Legal Attachment waiting to slaughtered us, 2 final exams to go through while we tearing our hair off our heads and thousands of dramas to be faced in coming days until that October comes. Till then, lets buried our heads in the acts, cases and law books.


p/s: RED DEVILS scored 5-0 against Birmingham the same night, Berbatov's 2nd hatrick for this season. GLORY GLORY! What's more can I ask for!

I will sincerely miss my Jan Intake 2008 once it ends :')

The only reason.

How different can it possibly be?

My lack of interest in seeing you is not a strategy,

I’m not playing hard to get, I don’t want to see you,

Because I turned my life upside down for you, and you walked away

Just because I was cranky for a week, there were dramas for a week, they shown some intense curiosity for that week,

You are untrustworthy; I don’t want to see you,

You are self centered; I don’t want to see you,

I’m 100% certain and sure that if I let you back in my life you will hurt me again,

So I don’t want to see you, this is not a play, it’s just that I don’t want you in my life,

Which part is not clear enough? Get your crap of my life. Have a great life where ever you are, you stay there and be happy and I be here and be happy Fair enough isn’t it?

It’s a good thing that I’m mad like this, it means that I care. You were my bestfriend, I deserved to be this mad. You were my best mate, what’s the need to treat me like the other woman? You were my best buddy, indeed were how it should stay.

You bailed on me when things get hard, when things get difficult you walked away. Bottomline is you bailed. Maybe I never learn how to commit but I would never bail on you, never.

I guess I have enough good quality friend, I don't need you.

I'm ain't no enemy.

Silence brings many speculations.

Silence brings many talks behind you, either bad or a good one.

Silence drives you crazy especially when you want to know is everything alright or the opposite.

Silence kills your patient and most people after a while give up on silence and move on. Silence drags things deeper from what it appears on the outside.

Silence is the best option when you are furious, miserable, dishearten because it helps you from saying something you will further regret it in future. At least for me, it works.

Silence sucks big time when you are waiting for an answer.

Silence is your choice.

Silence is way better than getting hurt and starts all over again. Because honestly, if I ever have to do that, I already forget how to do it.

Silence tests whether you can endure pain.

But please don’t treat my silence as enemy, because I will never be one. I’m sorry. But replies give me hopes, and hopes make me lonely. That’s the last thing I need now, because I drowned to the deepest but I survived to the surface and see the sunlight again. Although it takes time, maybe for the rest of my life but this silence is with reasons.

Believe me I want to, but for the best I can't. You know me the best, you should know I'm not lying.

Sometimes silence is indeed golden.

Just ignore this silence and you will forget me in a second. I know you will.

Ma.

Happy 53rd birthday ma, pray that you will always happy having us by your side and healthy so that you can continue being the best cook in the whole wide world and loved by us for the rest of your life, Amin. Love you.

I think this is my first time away from home on my mom’s birthday. When I’m deprived of home’s TLC I’m a bit emotional for all the wrong reasons, even the tinny ones. Melaka has been great to me, my friends here are like my extended family for the past 4-5 years but nothing can beat the love and nags (sorry ma) you got from your own mother. My Mama and I have completely different mind and personalities, and that even the least to say. Not just the look (stop it people, I WASN’T adopted!) but we are like chalk and cheese in most of the things like she’s kind a soft spoken while I’m pretty loud but we both love to talk, she’s this typical great woman who does all the feminine stuff while I’m not but we both have eyes for handbags, she doesn’t like certain things that I do because they are a bit ‘inappropriate’ from a mother’s perspective for their daughters for example riding HUGE BIKES (she doesn’t understand I guess why I’m so into them) but I always counter attack her thoughts by getting my father’s support and he always have to give politically correct answers so that both of us doesn’t get hurt and many more but at the end of the day I love her with all my heart. The thing I missed the most about her when we are apart is that she knows what my likes and dislikes in life, in general without having to agree on them.

You know how most people say that, ‘My mom is like a friend, we can talk about anything under the sun’, well I would like to say my mom is my mom. She doesn’t have to be a friend for me to tell things, she is THE only one who has the privilege to be called Mama by me so why would I want another friend when I have enough of them. When I pray, regardless of how many sins I’ve committed and many more to come I never pray for my happiness, success or whatsoever but I always pray that for my mom(and dad, obviously! He’s my favourite person in this world, not even mom can beat that. hehe.) to be happy for the rest of their life, because they are only content when we kids doing fine in our life so if they are happy means everything is great in our life. Get it? It’s my way of being selfless in a selfish way *evil grin;)*

A mother is a person who seeing there are only four pieces of pie for five people, promptly announces she never did care for pie. ~Tenneva Jordan

B word that makes me Happy

When Pang loves My Name Is Khan and told me how beautiful ‘I’ looked in the movie, when In-chan likes the movies I suggested esp. those which are totally different from the typical Bollywood’s style ( Wake Up Sid & Aisha) , when Saiful texted me to tell how awesome is 3 Idiots and what is my take on Anjaana Anjaani before he bought the DVD, when I (without fail) made Pza fall in love with the beautiful movies produced by Aamir Khan, when the girls start to go gaga with hindi movies and consider it as one of the choice when we go out to cinema, when we start to exchange DVDs and when many other people who have been affected by my Bollywood-ism begin to give compliment and sincerely enjoying them without being constrained by me; it gives me such a pleasure because it always a good thing to make others fascinated in what we love although at the beginning it was a totally alien subject to them.

Those who grow up with me may be used to my habit of spreading the magical world of Bollywood but to those who I just knew for the past 4-5 years especially my university’s friends they are still getting familiar and cope with it. With times Hindi movies are changing to a better storyline, issue, script (they are more lucid especially in storytelling) compare to the time where lame dancing around trees is a must. Now days you can find a lot of movies prefer to keep the tracks as their background scores rather than wasting 1 extra hour for the songs itself. Songs are what lay man tries to avoid while watching Hindi movies, but not me. I LOVE THEM! At the end of the day what is Bollywood without it songs? Duhhh. I may be bias and exaggerate on certain things but who doesn’t when it comes to the thing they love full heartedly since like forever so don’t blame me, watch them yourself.

This remind me of the last 3 movies I watched back in 2010 which I keep delaying in giving reviews because of certain reasons, all 3 of them are close to my heart as I can really relate to each movie for diverse reasons. Hoping for more great and awesome movies this year, hope all those which are hugely anticipated won’t let us down. Talking about movies made me excited waiting for this year Filmfare’s award (Oscar for Bollywood), fingers crossed for MNIK’s team.

We Are Family
12th September 2010

When Bollywood says that they just inspired by Hollywood movies, don't believe them because they just copied from scene to scene but when Karan Johar decided to join venture with Sony and make a remake of Step Mom; he produced a heart wrenching movie which has been Indianised in every way and the other. They try to make the movie their own without having to rely much on the original version, the songs are awesome thanks to my favourite Shankar-Ehsaan-Loy. You'll start crying just by listening to their slow arrangements.

What's best: Kajol powerhouse performance.
What's hot: Arjun!
Why should you watch: When two leading ladies take control its a wonderful journey from the word go.

Anjaana Anjaani
4th October 2010

This one's a love story, but it doesn't follow the beaten path. It doesn't follow the rules laid out by the romantics in Bollywood. And that's where its strength lies. Generally, couples in love commit to die for each other, but in this film, romance blossoms much, much after the two meet at the bridge for the first time, when they are about to commit suicide. From strangers to lovers to strangers again is how the film explores the relationship between this couple.It works for two major reasons. The first being the powerhouse performances by its lead pair. Having watched their careers from the very onset, I would like to state that the two actors deliver career-best performances in this movie and the second reason why itworks is due to the terrific moments in its second hour.

Final word? ANJAANA ANJAANI is worth a watch. If you are a romantic, or even if you are not, this movie is a must-see for its interpretation of modern-day romance. Recommended! Vishal-Shekhar's music has a lot of heart. Again, it won't be wrong to state that their compositions take the movie forward. I have often stated that Ranbir is the finest actor of his generation and the fact comes alive yet again as you watch him donning a new character in this one. Priyanka sinks into the role beautifully, so much so that she forgets herself and starts becoming Kiara.

On the whole, ANJAANA ANJAANI is an unpretentious romantic saga that revels in the exuberance of newly found love. The film has everything going for it: top notch performances by two super-stars, good music, a sensitive director with a good track record, a simple yet absorbing story and of course, terrific moments [emotional as well as humorous]. Don't miss this one!

Break Ke Baad

26th November 2010

A sweet, smart story that seems straight out of someone’s life. Break Ke Baad has an endearing everyday quality including twists and turns that reek of reality. Aliya Khan (Deepika Padukone) and Abhay Gulati (Imran Khan) have known each other all their lives and have been dating ever since they can remember. He is sorted, quiet, indulgent and patient, very patient. She is wild, willful, self-centered and selfish in a self-absorbed, I-me-myself way. He knows they will end up together. She is commitment phobic. But knowing all these he still just want to be with her the rest of his life[it sounds to good to be true isn't it?But still it is so damn sweet to get a soul mate like this]



The film works because you have no choice but to fall in love with these two people. You love Abhay for his tolerance, his understanding, his goodness and his instinctive wisdom about Aliya. You love Aliya because she is who she is. She knows not another way. Debutant director Danish Aslam seems to have lived these characters or at least known people like them. Break Ke Baad is not just about love, it is also about what it does to us. You can throw it out of the window but it will return tongue firmly in cheek,and if two people are meant to be together they will be. While you root for Abhay’s quiet affection and endless understanding, you also want Aliya to find her way. Even if she’s being mean, shallow and stupid along the way. As Abhay’s bua (played wonderfully by Lilette Dubey) in the film says, “Tum log sab kuch chahte ho, lekin dard nahi?” or some such. What she means basically is there is no shortcut to love. It’s a mean bitch that will take its due from you. “Be fearless,”.



It is an indeed an intelligent film with very few flaws. The supporting cast is fabulous esp Shahana Goswami shines as Nadia. Someone please rediscover this amazingly talented girl and give her more to do. As for the lead actors, they are perfectly cast. Deepika improving tremendously from her Om Shanti Om days and Imran, what should I say. He is just too lovable and you want this nice guy to get the girl. Possibly box her ears and tell her to behave but get her ultimately. Break Ke Baad is possibly the best love story I have seen last year, Dharma Production please take a bow for giving chance to a new director to tell their stories which are young and real.

p/s: Imran is getting married today, another loss for single ladies out here.

2011: Mega budget movies in pipeline.

Little reminder.

One of the best advices(sort of) I've heard lately is,'Berkata baik atau diam', which is indeed so true and that is what I'll try to succeed in this mission to become a better nonjudgmental person(each and everyone of us IS a judgemental so please don't act as if who are one is like having some sort of disease or something).

That wisdom line reminds me to another saying which is a Hadith that I got to learn in my Islamic Constitution class last semester. It goes like this; 'Part of the beauty of a person who is a Muslim is that they remain silent about that which does not concern them'.

People can say whatever they want, but once they managed to provoked us to reciprocate in a really bad and nasty ways it shows how fragile you are as an individual. To people out there who have sick mentality of actually thought and took yourself as the best, superior from the rest and don't give a damn of what others think and makes stupid comment to show off your capabilities in using big words, yes whoever you are we all welcome you with open arms and wide smiles because in a way you people are helping us improving our patient and building our positive attitudes from day to day.

It's a resolution which will take the rest of my life to be accomplished but better start now...than never.

Life is the road I want to keep going, LOVE is a river I want to keep going. IMY :)

2011: Another January.

What does my mother and the Indians have in common? Both believe in this saying; "If you start of your year with good things, through out the whole year it will be great for you!".


Today we went ziarah kubur of our descedendants, ate breakfast, lunch, tea-time and dinner together,that’s an achievement for us who barely spend quality time(eating each meals together)with each others if not for holidays, shopping handbags,cardi,etc (hooray and thank GOD for all the allowances I get from them,semoga makin dimurahkan rezeki mereka), went handphones hunting(upgrade iPhone 4 or BB?DREAM ON!), discussing about CNY vacation(sadly I’m having final exam on that date), eat,eat and eat somemore. Damn,I forgot to start this new year with the most important essence of healthy lifestyle which is.......exercising*yawn!* It’s ok, I believe I will take care of that soon...before the year ends.


I’m grateful to kick start my new year by spending the weekend with my family, the people who matters the most in my life. Hopefuly,we’ll be together through ups and downs and I’m pretty sure with more shoutings and punchings. Don’t get the wrong ideas, we are not an abusive family it’s just that that’s how me and my little brother(ironically he’s THE biggest among the 5 of us !) communicate. Somehow that’s how we show our love towards each others.Weird?Nahh, each family have their own ways in preserving the harmonious vibe at home. I will TRY to compromise a little bit more this year,to work harder, think wiser about future decisions because..I LOVE them.


Resolutions? I like to see and treat them more like the list of things to do that I write down every beginning of each week so that if I failed to accomplished I wont feel that bad. Firstly I seriously wish to widened my vocabs this year (it SUCKS with limited one!Esp when you are the worst in cursing people,JOKING.hehe),as MILE advised 2 new words a day is a good start plus its high time for me to continue improving my communication skills(LA rings a bell!). As an devoted diary writer for years before, for some reasons I have stopped doing so for the last 4 months so this brand new red diary from Ayah is not going to be wasted. THE most important thing that I never seems to achieved from year to year is to keep saving!RM2 per day?To many vacations planned, so leisure in terms of shopping has to take back seat this year(ya..ya..ya.LAME!)


In short a happier year in pursuit to be a better Muslim and person in whole.Amin.

Of course a vow of to be lifelong Red Devilian!GLORY MAN UTD.


A new 365 days :)