For those who really know me, like really know me inside out not what a FB/Twitter friend would know; 1 fact that really defined me, is that my friends are the big family I never had. It’s true I don’t have the luxury of having extensive numbers of relatives, I don’t have grandparents nor cousins
(just because they are children to your uncles and aunties doesn’t make you are related to them especially when we hardly meet or even know each others’ names) so friends are the cherished cousins I never had. We fight and reconcile thousands of times, laugh, cry together, bullied each other, take care and concern about each other, eat, sleep, go through the same experience and create magnificent memories together and thousands other great things. So when this thing occurred I feel like my family is tearing apart, July supposed to be an extravagant month for me with all the awesome plans but here I am sitting and watching without much I can do because I feel so hopeless since I still didn’t get the answer to my worries. If you offer your hand we’ll sure give 100% of effort to reach it but the thing is you prefer to keep all inside your head/heart and here we are playing the guessing game and sadly no one is there to tell us whether it’s a correct or a wrong guess. Ego have its boundaries in friendship, once you try to live it up to the highest peak you might lose all the love you fortunate to be blessed with in the first place.
It happened too sudden, with such disbelief I’m (we) still wondering why? And I’m (we) stuck with the same question for the past 11 days, still trying to figure out what has caused you to act such ways. Still trying to digest the fact that this is not a dream, but the question remains the same of why? No words, no explanation, no expression nor any replies left me wondering about it every seconds of my life. There’s not a moment I’m (we) not thinking about the reasons behind it, what are the issues that bother you this much, do I (us) ever mean anything to you, do you feel the same hurt, sadness and how I (we) feel about this estranged and awkward relationship. I’m extremely sad, terribly unimaginably hurt and horribly disappointed with this situation; where each step I (we) made in repairing this crack bond been reciprocated with such cold attitude and especially with the walking away and avoidance part. Yes, according to the horse's mouth itself, among us I may be the most emotional-est one but you girls know it’s because you girls are my family and how can I not be emo when the time where almost end of our joyful sheer bliss journey of being a student is tainted with this depressing incidence instead of joyful laughter and . Yes, at first I feel damn upset and hurt but with times I start to feel angry, mad and disappoint to the max with this kind of manner. Who give us the right to treat others rudely or badly just because we are in a bad mood? No one, our upbringing will tell us that. When most of time being alone now is spend for crying how can I (we) continue our life the next day with a huge smile on our face? It’s not possible, and I hate being unfair to other friends who didn’t do anything wrong towards me yet they sense something is wrong. But miserably until this second I don’t know what the problem is! Seriously pissed me off, try to reminisce again and again about what had happened that day but I can’t see anything is wrong since everything went smoothly as it always had for the past 5 years.
What hurts the most; we can’t share our feelings, lame stories, funny jokes, etc anymore on daily basis when before I do in on minute’s basis. How do people expect one to move on as if there’s nothing wrong now, we may be in each other’s way every single day but the longest distance on earth is when you stand in front of someone but they ignore you. Our blessed small click used to how short temper I can be when I’m irritate with something or annoy with someone and I realised long time ago that I’m not a patient person but I learn to be 1 now, that’s how much I care about you! Can’t you see all of these and stop this unfair treatment because how much can we endure this pain, compromising this exhaustion and questioning all past amazing memories. And now when I go to bed, half the time I'm not really sleeping. I'm usually lying there making up scenarios in my head as what actually had happened that lead us to this ill at ease phase and when I smile to others now it feels like more because I need to than I want to. I hate people making assumptions and these ignorant people start to believe their fake assumptions but then again how can I stop them since I’m totally clueless of what’s happening. Socrates said that why should we pay so much attention to what most people think and talk behind us, as the most sensible person will believe that things have been done exactly as they have but my argument is that it’s kind a funny how a general statement can be taken personally if guilt exists in the heart even when you know you are in the right side (but who determines what’s right and wrong? Here we go back to conscious).
They say grudges are a waste of perfect happiness and laugh when you can, apologize when you should and let go when you can't change but I’m refused to let go till the day I die since I want to know the truth. The real one, not the version you feel you need to tell us to make us shut up. If it’s an ugly truth, I’ve prepared myself since Demi Allah I don’t think and I know I didn’t do anything wrong and for God sake I rather die trying to work this out rather than always wondering why and why and why. Yes sometimes you just have to smile, pretend everything is ok, hold back the tears, and walk away but until when can I put a show like that? Until when should I lead a fake life like that? Until when should I walk around carrying such heavy burden in my shoulders and grief in my heart? Until 1 day I might be so comfortable doing it I forgot how to be a real person, I believe the simplest yet most generous thing you can do is gift everyone you meet a smile but now I feel it’s like the hardest thing to do as much as I love doing it.
How can one be so heartless and selfish, we have the choice and we make the decision so choose not to be that person and I promise myself that I won’t be that person who easily quit and say ‘I’m done being nice to you, we are done here’ because we don’t do that to our family member, we don’t give up on them regardless how bad is their conduct towards us, how badly they want to avoid us and how awful is the humiliation we face each time we belittled ourselves in front of them seeking for answers when we know we won’t be welcomed. Oral intervention (thanks to How I Met Your Mother) done, email and text done, what else can we do? Hang in there SIN, don't do something permanently stupid just because you are temporarily upset. You can make me cry as much as you want but I’m not moving, firm feet on the ground until the day I got the answers I’m (we) dying to hear. It’s not that easy to shove me away from this 5 wonderful years of friendship in 5 days. But until that day arrive, as a Muslim I can only seek Allah’s guidance and help and doa is the only weapon I have in giving me strength facing coming days.
"Forgive all who have offended you, not for them, but for yourself." -Harriet Nelson-
