Do you know?

Does anyone really understand what is one’s feeling or thinking when they said they do? When someone admits they being a relationship phobic, what do they mean? Are they waiting for the right guy, perfect timing or for the simple fact that they don’t believe in the existence of relationship? I must confess that being 1 of those people doesn’t make me insecure of life or what, but looking at a ideal loving couple in front of me my whole life(my lovely parents) slowly planted inside of me the feeling of petrified involve in a failed relationship.

I was 5 when I thought Ayah (my dad) is the only guy deserved to be in my life; love him to death and I was 12 when I decided I don’t need a so called BF. Can anyone define that term for me? What is their role? Why are they so important if girls keep changing them like they change their clothes? I’m not being pessimistic but just throwing some thoughts coming from experiences from my teenage phase, still continue ok because the next phase is way too far.[living in denial] I was 17 when I know for a fact that marriage will not be 1 of my agenda in this life[somehow I used to or maybe still a big believer in an arranged marriage, blame in on Hindi movies], and I was about 20 when I finally realized that Shahrukh is not destined for me not in this lifetime at least. See, I can be an optimistic kind of person sometimes.

I was and am always be a planner, whether is about what I want to do, achieve or get before certain limit of time but I now believe that no matter how hard or smart you organize your life there always be different plans written by GOD for us and I would love to believe each and one of them are meant to teach us one or two lessons that might made us a better, wiser, stronger person. So, I guess there might be a slightest change of plan. Hope and pray God will be on my side this time like HE always does. Those who know me undoubtedly have the basic ideas of how my stand when it comes to private matters, I believe that there is no necessity for me in confirming or denying anything going on in my personal life. I have completely control over my faith and soul of how I want to live my life and with whom I want to share it, so I don’t feel the need in talking about something so close to my heart. Unless they deserved to share the happiness, so if they mind or affected with the action of me not screaming out loud from the roof top than they are not matter for me as those who matter won’t mind. Plus I kinda agree with the saying that a girl's diary before marriage shouldn't be that exciting, public or full as there will be not enough space for the after marriage's voyage which is where we got our due respect and dignity as a woman. It sounds serious but maybe there's hidden truth to it.

Maybe it’s about time to explore the other phase. Expectantly the phrase ‘there’s no harm in trying’ will apply in this situation. Every time I do something my parents will always be part of my mind and heart because without them I don’t think I be able to go through this beautiful journey and I always want to impress them in even small ways and at this stage I can’t afford to lose their trust so 1 wrong step might bring to just that. I was 16 when I consider 1 line in Jason Mraz’s song to be completely agreeable; ‘When I fall in love, I’ll take my time’ and that is what I think the right move. I was[can’t really remember when] always wanted someone like my dad, he has so much love for my mom that sometimes I envy her. Have To fight for his attention, haha. I proud of my father every time we girls like talking about our fathers and no one ever believe that mine was and still actually helping my mom with house chores, most of them I must say he does without even to be nagged. My friends always said that theirs are like other boys, won’t lift a finger to do any work around house. Not just because of that, I proud and love him for all reasons.

But then to find one who resembles him in so many ways is impossible and that’s why someone told me once that ‘it’s your life so create your own memories with loved ones, invent new recipes rather to depend on your mom’s and do everything you have passion in your own way’ and from now on that is what I will try to do because life is too short, as cliché as it may sounds but it is.

I’m not perfect and no one is so let’s create our own exciting and worth to be remembering memoirs and hope the journey have a long..long way to go.

me, turning 1 year older and wiser soon. Very soon :)